Category Archives: Dating 101

What your man’s favourite Spice Girl says about him

There are lots of standard questions you should ask on a first date. “Where did you grow up?” “What do you do for a living?” “Do you mind if I just escape through the fire exit once I feel I’ve had enough?”

But the question few ever ask, but they really should, sounds the simplest question of all but is in fact a very complex psychological test that will tell you all you need to know about the hapless fool sitting opposite you. No, it’s not “lemon or lime in a gin and tonic?” – although that is a good one – it’s “Who’s your favourite Spice Girl?”

And with the fab five rumoured to be returning for a reunion tour for their 20th anniversary – actually, make that four; Posh has said no thanks – there’s never been a better time to wheel it out.

Posh – Victoria Beckham
VB is the go-to Spice for quite a few guys, I have noticed. Of all the quintet, she has the biggest contemporary profile. Married to chiselled, doodle-filled football hero David Beckham, mother to four children who will be cluttering up magazine covers way into our dotage and, bizarrely, supreme ruler of a fashion empire that anyone who remembers those cheap New Look black dresses she sported in the ‘90s can’t quite get their head around, Victoria is the full package.

“Oh I think she’s fabulous!” they cry. Yes they really are talking about the woman who has barely smiled for the best part of two decades and sat on a throne on her wedding day. “She has a great sense of humour,” they will trill, perhaps in reference to the Beckhams’ array of his and hers outfits the pair would wear before they had that serious rebranding and headed for Hollywood.

And here’s the problem with the date whose favourite Spice Girl is Posh: they think they are a brand. Victoria’s aspirational lifestyle and unashamed devotion to glam has influenced many a civilian in trying to “luxe” up their life, running up huge credit card bills just so they can have an A-lister experience.

VB fans don’t smile, don’t open car doors and roll their eyes whenever a camera comes out – unless it’s their own and they’re photographing their pornstar martinis for Instagram.

Victoria has it all, and they want a bit of it too. The nearest they may get to it is sporting a pair of knickers from David’s H&M pants range, but they don’t care – they know their moment will come.

Whether they’ll hang on to you while they wait for it is quite another matter.

tumblr_m3u1bnmEFo1r6qp2jo3_500 Continue reading What your man’s favourite Spice Girl says about him

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25 terrible men you should never date

Dating blogs are full of advice and this one is no exception.

All the others talk nonsense though – about rules you should follow and how you have to do X so that you look more Y. Ignore them all. Disconnect the internet. You need only one piece of dating advice today. And it is this.

You should never date a man who…

1. Tells you that you have the same number of hours in a day as Beyoncé.

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If he ever presents you with this mug, introduce it to his face.

2. Barely gives dead relatives a second thought but still mourns separate lemon & lime flavours in Opal Fruits.

3. Skips past Sugababes’ Stronger when it comes on the iPod.
Or iPhone or whatever. Maybe he still has a Zune. Actually, don’t date a guy who still has a Zune. Anyway, Stronger is unskippable.

4. Refuses to acknowledge his own coffee-breath.
And worst of all, offers you gum as if it’s you who’s dying of halitosis.

5. Describes himself as #teamtaken.
Unless…

1 Continue reading 25 terrible men you should never date

21 people you should never kiss at festivals

1. Anyone whose granny interned at Vogue.
Or anyone who mocks someone whose granny interned at Vogue. Or anyone who berates people for mocking someone whose granny interned at Vogue.

2. The cultural appropriator.
He’s got a bindi, an American headdress, painted-on Maori tattoos and cowboy boots. This guy is a whirlwind worldwide tour through centuries of oppression, presented with the characteristic sensitivity of a fashion blogger begging for free moisturiser.

3. The guy who wants to tell you about his first Glastonbury.

4. “It’s my first festival.”
Festival virgins should be off having experiences and seeing bands, not wasting their time bagging off with you and probably falling madly in love because oh wow you are so beautiful and what is this little pill will I be OK are you sure because I feel a bit funny I miss my mum I think I have wet myself sorry oh why did I come I knew I shouldn’t have. Continue reading 21 people you should never kiss at festivals

Know your dating enemies: Texting

Apparently in the olden days, our phones were used for speaking to each other. Like, actual voices piping down the… what is it – airwaves? Line? Cable? Anyway, whatever. Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away called the past, people would regularly use mobile phones – or just phones, as we now call them – to talk.

It was an awful experience. Either you would “screen” calls to avoid answering to somebody you wanted to avoid, or you would accidentally “pick up” and spend excruciating hours saying “uh huh, yeah” all the while wondering whose talk plan minutes this awkward chat was wasting – because things like that mattered then. Ha, minutes. Show me one person who needs more than 38 seconds of talktime a month and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t know predictive text has been invented yet.

Thankfully, to save us all from saying stupid, rash things like “Yes I will marry you” or “No, actually, the second series of Game On is much better than the first”  (‘90s refrence!) someone invented texting. Its built-in functionality of helping us swerve any human contact or giving extra time to come up with the most fire responses possible have endeared it to our hearts for ever and most of us would now rather see the voiceboxes of an entire generation ripped out and tossed on a bonfire than lose one of their very own texting fingers.

Giving way now to iMessage, WhatsApp and that proprietary Facebook one whose invasion was more aggressive than Napoleon without any breakfast, texting is our favoured way of communicating and long may it reign.

Sadly, every god must have his flaws and every hero must have her downside and texting – or messaging – has the biggest one of all. Continue reading Know your dating enemies: Texting

11 ways guests will ruin your wedding

Considering its romantic intentions, a wedding can be one of the most stressful experiences of your life.

If you’re a single person, they are a stark reminder of just how single you are. If you’re part of a couple, it’s either another tightening of the vice like pressure of arranging your own matrimony and if you are already spliced, you’re furious at how much nicer this wedding is than your own.

But it’s worst of all if it’s your own wedding day. Why? Because your guests ruin everything, they’re the worst. Around two months into the planning, you’ll wish you’d eloped to Anglesey after all.

1. Seating plan
Where to seat everyone has more political charge and potential for disaster than inviting Vladimir Putin to a summit in the back room at G-A-Y.

Exes don’t want to sit near each other, your family hold grudges over arguments involving people who are now all dead and your single friends will badger you to seat them next to someone hot and eligible.

All you want to do is relocate all tables but the top one to “the sea” and let them battle it out with the waves.

2. Presents
Guaranteed: at least 50% of the people coming to your wedding have bitched about what to get you.

Ask for money and you’re a grasping mercenary who’s out for all they can get.

Have a wedding list and it will be pored over by your so-called pals, all outraged by your choices. “What the hell is a cow-patterned egg whisk?!” they will spit, over the course of hundreds and hundreds of emails dedicated to slating you for your materialism.

If you ask for no presents at all, your friends hate you even more because they think “Well we have to turn up with something!” They will all show up with a Dualit toaster (the cheapest one, not that really cool one).

Fail to specify any present rules or gift lists, of course, and you will be blamed for leaving everybody clueless. And they will all arrive with that bloody Dualit toaster again. Continue reading 11 ways guests will ruin your wedding

Never date the ageing teen rebel

You don’t get many men falling over themselves to tell you about their childhood when you first start dating. People who had idyllic ones don’t usually feel the need to wheel them out to make conversation.

Unless we had a very bad one, or grew up with celebrities or politicians for parents or something, there’s very little to say about one’s childhood beyond the usual bewilderment at how all the chocolate bars were bigger and everyone got smacked on the legs in the supermarket. The teenage rebel however, idolises his childhood self.

Whenever a date would say “I was such a little shit at school” or a “I was a real tearaway when I was younger”, I’d cringe, steeling myself for a good hour of exaggerations, tales of pathetic, totally invented rebellions and grim attention-seeking that only a child would think were in any way cool or interesting.

As a teen, of course, most of us wallflowers and squares wished we had the pluck – not to mention the attention – of the classroom troublemaker. The nearest I got to it was some unremarkable, try-hard backchat in French lessons. I look back and am mortified by it now. In no way would I ever have considered using this to impress a date 20 years and 11 average grades down the track.

Teenage rebellion always seemed a really soulless path to me. At my school most of the rebels were also colossal bullies – usually, of course, the result of genuine issues at home.

But while for some it was an angry cry for help, others played up safe in the knowledge that somebody would bail them out, that there would be enough money to propel them forward again. Continue reading Never date the ageing teen rebel

31 things you will see people do on dating apps

Dating apps, whether they’re for long-lasting love or a three-minute hook-up you can brag to your friends about, have revolutionised our love and sex lives.

But even with tec so new and exciting, we’re still a habit-forming animal – we can’t resist becoming a cliché.

So here are a few things you will almost certainly see on hook-up or dating apps. Swipe. Left.

1. A guy who does the same facial expression in every photo.
It’s usually a lop-sided grin or a grimace or that wide-open scream face that Caitlin Moran does a lot. Or a pout. They’ll find a preferred pose and stick to it. And it will never be just a smile.

2. Someone who has accidentally uploaded the same picture three times.

3. “Looking for a gym buddy.”
I have a boyfriend, but I would like to get unspeakable with you  in the changing rooms once a week.

4. A selfie taken in a dirty mirror.

5. A selfie with a pile of dirty laundry in the background.

6. An impossibly good-looking 19-year-old who would rather sleep with the Tollund Man than you.
But you try anyway. Continue reading 31 things you will see people do on dating apps