21st Century Boys

The Headless Torso

Boys, boys, boys, I’m looking for a good time. Whether you’re mad about them or sad about them, I present my expert analysis of the men you’re likely to meet on the dating “scene”. This week, body to die for, face… well, kinda not there. What gives with the Headless Torso?

If this is about bodies getting carved up by serial killers, this is pretty tasteless.

Fear not, this particular bonce-free body is 100% alive and has been clogging up every hookup app known to man since the dawn of time – well, the invention of GPS, at least.

Where’s his head at?

Ooh, Basement Jaxx reference – viva the Noughties! Why no head? Well, many reasons – married, maybe, or not out yet – but nobody ever hid their identity because they were simply too gorgeous for you to feast your eyes on, did they? There’s a good chance he’s gympensating.

Gympensating?

Actively pursuing a hot bod because his face isn’t up to much. It’s got many of us through a lonely night. We’ve all been there – I’ve got the gym membership to prove it. Studies have shown – and by studies I mean my own, narrow-eyed studies, steeped in envy – that your average gay dude enjoys the look and touch of a nice rack. And his is his best feature, so that’s all he’ll show you.

And if you decide to meet?

Well, he’ll either arrive with a bag on his head or assume, rightly, after all that endless chatting you’ll just resignedly get on with it out of mortification or politeness. Let’s pray his cum-face is better than his resting face.

Who are his enemies?

Whoever invented FaceTime, men who say “no facepic, no chat”, “timewasters” who insist on seeing a pic before meeting.

Most likely to say:

“More pics?” “You first.” “No, you.” “I’m shy lol” “Pics.” “PICS.” “NO PICS NO CHAT.”

Least likely to say:

“I’m a queer scientist and this is actually an experiment to test how shallow other gay men are. And you passed! Pics?”

Is there ever an excuse for a headless torso?

Well, yes. If showing his face could put him in danger – not everywhere is as tolerant as your super-gay square-mile of a bubble – or he’s new and just finding his way, you can forgive him for being shy.

Would he make a good boyfriend?

Only if you’re a Marie-Antoinette fetishist.

Am I a Headless Torso?

BLOCKED.

Words: Justin Myers
Illustration: Ian Nicholson

Next time: The Insta-Gay

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