Dating 101: The big bang

Dating. A great way to meet people, sure. The chance to get out of the house and do different things with guys who you wouldn’t normally have met, yes. But let’s not forget another reason why we date – to get sex. Uh-huh. Oh yes, yes, avert your gaze and look coyly to the floor but let’s cut the crap here. As nice as your date may be and as much fun as you may be having, if you don’t fancy them it’s pretty pointless. And when you fancy someone, you want to bang them. And if you don’t, well, that’s just plain unfair.

Standard dating etiquette says that you shouldn’t even approach the idea of having sex on a first date. Oh yeah? Well I reckon standard dating etiquette was dreamed up by some dried-up old nobody that no-one wanted to have sex with anyway. As long as you’re not dropping date-rape drugs into their martini to get it, there’s nothing wrong with doing the nasty with a date, so long as they too have the time, mood and the willing.

They key ingredient to ‘getting some’ on a date is that passion petrol known as booze. If you’re a teetotaller, you’re going to have to rely on your charming wit to laugh your date into bed. So, y’know, good luck with that. Getting well-oiled and cracking out the charm is the expressway to getting horizontal, but just because you are feeling amorous, it doesn’t mean your date is, so here are some suggestions on turning the bar chat into a bonkathon – and signs you should look out for in your date which mean it’s a go:

The eyes have it
Are they looking at you a lot? I don’t just mean politely turning his face in your direction when you talk, but I mean looking you over, repeatedly. If his eyes flash from your face to other parts of your body – arms, chest, hands, for example – he’s scanning you out to see which bit of you is going to look good where later on. Either that, or you’ve got your fly undone or you have ketchup on your shirt.

Love to see you leave
If you need to go to the loo, have a quick check back over your shoulder as you walk away to see if he’s watching you go. Or go somewhere with lots of mirrors. If he’s taking a peek at your arse, the chances are pretty good that he’ll be interested in seeing a lot more of it later.

Drink up
Is he having or suggesting yet another drink, even though you’ve both had more than enough? He doesn’t want to leave your side, and is also flinging good old Dutch courage down his next to give him the balls to make a move. Be accommodating.

Hand it to you
If he motions to hold your hand at any point in the evening on a first date, the contract has been signed, sealed and stored in the vault of ‘THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN’. Just sit back and wait for the moves.

The slightest touch
Ditto if his hand brushes against your arm or your arse, it is ON. Lucky, lucky you.

Signs it may not happen:

– He arrives on a bike
– He lives with 10 other flatmates
– He commutes in from somewhere you’ve never heard of
– He talks about his mother a lot

Be prepared, that’s all I’m saying.

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