1. Talks about obscure music that “you wouldn’t have heard of”.
You know the type: his friend of a friend’s friend who plays in their nan’s garage.
2. Tells you that they didn’t like you when they first met you, but really like you now.
Why, be still my beating unlikeablility.
3. In a group photo, leans in to the person next to him as if he won’t get in shot otherwise.
The overcompensating lean has ruined wedding and birthday photos the world over. It’s almost as if the very sight of a camera lens causes an involuntary weakening of the knees and lolling of the head. You want a man who’s camera-confident, not leaning like a malformed sapling.
4. Has a ‘humorous’ out-of-office auto-reply email.
An email announcing the fact you’re unavailable when you’re needed isn’t the time to crack jokes or try out that sparkling wit you’ve been hiding – with great success – all these years.
5. Has done the same things as you…
…but bigger, better, pricier, wackier, more drunken and more extreme. Love is not a competition.
6. Wears a wedding ring but isn’t actually married.
7. Can speak a fake language.
Klingon, Elvish, and Dothraki do not look great on his CV, no matter what he says.
8. Wears bootcut jeans.
Why would you willingly shorten and widen the look of your legs unless you were a self-loathing psychopath?
9. Constantly asks you whether you remember specific jokes from Will & Grace despite you telling him over and over again you didn’t watch it.
10. Reads out tweets – either his own or ones in his timeline – at a party.
11. Tells you his dead dog is more important to him than you are.
You just don’t understand – Towser was his life.
12. Has a picture of himself as a baby/child as his profile picture on Facebook or Twitter.
Most people choose the best possible picture for their social media ‘storefront’ – if your guy thinks his hotness zenith was while he was still wearing school uniform, there may be deeper issues you won’t be able to help but excavate.
13. Describes you as “lame” but reports his hobbies as “sleeping all day”.
14. Never phones his mother.
Unless she is dead. Or in prison.
15. Says ‘blowy’ when he means ‘windy’. Talking like a toddler who’s just found themselves in their first gale is deeply unsexy.
16. Uses more than one hashtag in a tweet.
#annoying #idiot #just #use #sentences
17. Says the ‘www’ bit when reading out a website address.
18. Doesn’t have any friends his own age.
An entire generation has rejected him for a reason.
19. “Got it on Groupon”.
20. Doesn’t have a tool for flipping over bacon when it’s under the grill.
It’s inevitable that one of the first things you’re going to want to do as a couple is prepare bacon sandwiches for each other so you can tweet about it and Instagram the pictures. Social media networks are awash with needy whimperings begging for bacon sandwiches to be hand-delivered, so the first thing you’ll need to ensure once you’ve snared your starry-eyed suitor is that he’s got all the necessary equipment for that fabled swine-arse sarnie. But if he’s got no tongs with which to turn it over while it sizzles under the grill, beat a hasty retreat – you don’t want to burn your precious little fingers. I mean, how would you tweet?!
21. Complains about splitting a bill when dining out with a group.
However, point of order: Dicks who sit and have five courses and a bottle of Chablis while you poke at a salad and sip Diet Coke and then insist on splitting the bill equally should also be thrown in the dating dustbin.
22. Uses every item in the kitchen when throwing together the most basic of meals.
23. Insists on sitting in the quiet coach of a train.
24. Posts more than one selfie a month.
Even further points deducted for the following selfie subgenres:
– swigging from beer bottle
– duck face/gay pout
– gun flexing
– T-shirt lift to reveal abs
– “Does my hair look OK?”
– “Oh, I look so ugly!”
– hungover in white bed linen
– “I’m in a clothes store fitting room but think I’m on the red carpet” hip-tilt
25. Follows you on Twitter.
You should never walk into a dating situation with someone who knows what you had for breakfast or reads your public transport meltdowns. If you do, prepare yourself to be told that you’re “different” on Twitter. Never ask for further clarification; you won’t like the answer.
Credits Numbers 1, 5, 7, 8, 9, 11, 13, 21 and 22 were crowdsourced (how modern!) and came from @petecavanagh, @coxyinsw2, @spennyli, @paulbranners, @OxfordOnion, @shona_pw, @Cellism, @Jackg00de and @lukebbz respectively. Thanks all.
Reckon there are 25 more weirdos out there we could do with avoiding? Tweet me, baby.