There are so many good guys out there — you almost need two hands to count them. But in among the gold, is the tin. The sand in your sandwiches, the rain on your parade. The world is full of men you shouldn’t date, for every kind of reason.
If only there were some kind of test, or a ‘tell’, so you could easily divine the dregs from the demigods. There’s no magic answer, but if your potential beau is a ‘yes’ to any of the list below, it may be time to cast your net a little farther.
1. Panic-buys Christmas presents from the Boots ‘3 for 2’ gift department. Nobody needs that much ‘body butter’, thanks.
2. Has illegible handwriting.
Is he scrawling “love you” or “fuck you”? Who knows?! Special dispensation for doctors. Doctors are hot. Usually.
3. Has a pet name for his car. Or his cock.
Minus another ten points if when he locks his car, he walks away from it and then looks back to check—- well, what, exactly?
4. Says “it’s designer” when talking about his clothes.
5. Says ‘YOLO’ — even if he’s doing it ironically.
6. Refuses to ride shotgun in a minicab.
What else won’t this lily-livered lace handkerchief do if he won’t do that?
7. Gets embarrassed while tipping his barber.
Not to mention one who fucks his barber in exchange for a free short back & sides.
8. Puts raisins in a curry.
9. Thinks good spelling is more important than sexiness.
A well-spelled word is a thing of beauty, but mealy-mouthed pedantry is the anti-erection.
10. Says “I speak as I find”.
11. Says “quelle surprise!”
Unless he’s French. Then that hot Gallic bastard can say what the hell he likes.
12. Retweets parody accounts.
Especially all those ones pretending to be the Queen or X Factor alumni.
13. Asks you to ‘inbox’ him.
14. Expresses surprise at The X Factor result.
The producers decide who’s going to win halfway through the run, most years. Why do you care?
15. Drones on about errors/vitriol in the Daily Mail.
Yeah, we get it. The DM is bad and evil and poorly written. Thanks for your brand-new opinion. It doesn’t care whether you like its disregard for semicolons, present participles or anyone who isn’t a WASPy old fart from Henley-on-Thames.
16. Calls Coca-Cola “fat Coke”.
17. Uses a fake name when asked for it in Starbucks.
18. Uses the word ‘ledge’ when they mean ‘legend’.
19. Buys supermarket-brand cling film.
It doesn’t cling to the things you want it to.
20. Uses ‘methinks’ in general conversation. Unless he’s a Jacobean squire roasting a hog on the village green during Michaelmas.
21. Attempts to dress sexily at the gym.
Muscles are the only thing he should be pulling during his workout, not bits of fitness-worshipping fluff.
22. Doesn’t laugh when people fall over – unless it’s you doing the falling.
Also, doesn’t really work if it’s old people on icy paths. That’s kind of evil.
23. Corrects people’s grammar on Grindr.
He’s not at a book club; he’s there to be brutalised sexually like everybody else. If he wants to look highbrow, maybe he should wear a mortar board in his profile pic.
24. Dresses like an exam invigilator.
It’s okay to wash a jumper every now and again. And, no, chenille doesn’t feel nice.
25. Is in his 30s and is thrilled to still be asked for ID when buying booze and/or cigarettes.
Yeah, some checkout drone thought they’d have a laugh and ask you if you were over 25; you’re not Peter Pan.
And one more for luck…
26. Writes blogs about who you should and shouldn’t date
The delicious irony is, of course, that I am a physician without a cure. I’m at least 10 of these men. Well, nine. If you can guess exactly which ones, I owe you a pint.
But once you look the list over, you’re highly unlikely to want me for a drinking partner.