So you’ve been on a couple of dates and it’s going well, but is he boyfriend material?
Stop right there and climb no further on the commitment ladder until you’ve got him through the following ten challenges:
1. Make him chew gum
Mouth open? Drooling? Really inexplicably loud? Bubbles?! Ditch him.
2. Watch him go through a self-checkout machine
More than three unexpected items in the bagging area and he has to go.
3. Take a train or Tube with him
You will see how he reacts to standing etiquette/giving up seats etc but more crucially whether he tries to press the button to open the doors before it is illuminated. If he does, or presses the button on the Tube door, when he knows it’s automatic and is merely there for decoration, he’s a dolt and you should send him whence he came.
4. Sit opposite him during spaghetti for an exclusive preview of what oral sex will be like.
5. Ask him what joke he’d tell your mother
This is a trap: he should never tell your mother jokes.
6. Ask him to make you a cup of tea
Doesn’t rinse the cups out? Milk in first? Barely scares the water with the teabag? Takes sugar? No, no, no, no.
7. Make him put aftershave on in front of you
More than four squirts and he’ll be ponging out lifts until Christmas. If he puts it on his wrists and rubs them together, congratulations – you’re going out with your grandma!
Is he an arsehole driver? Tailgating, or swearing at totally normal and manageable traffic? No, thanks. If he can’t drive, then that’s fine because all the sexiest people can’t drive. Ahem. You can still test what he’s like as a passenger, though. Grab an Uber with him and count how many times he sighs that he knows a quicker way, opens the window without asking if anyone minds or tuts loudly if you don’t run a red light.
9. Watch him do laundry
Doesn’t bunch socks together? Leaves it in the machine for days on end? Washes his clothes so infrequently that he has to overstuff the drum so it looks like a burst sofa and not a washing machine? All signs that he will be nasty in an argument and has probably fantasised about having sex with your best friend. Avoid.
10. Introduce him to your most awful, annoying friend
If he makes it through without nudging you, or rolling his eyes, or being anything less than super-friendly and attentive, then he’s a keeper. Just make sure you tell him that he doesn’t have to see that person ever again, or he might be ditching you.
Bonus test: How loud and annoying is he when he’s on the phone? Does he have keypad tones on? Bad ringtone? Hands-free while just walking about?! Keep looking for Mr Right.