12 things you do that scream “thirsty”

Not sure whether you look like a desperate, cloying nightmare on social media? Wondering if perhaps you may be going a little over the top when it comes to trying to impress someone on Twitter? We’ve all done it.

Fear not! Here’s the most common things we all do that leave us open to being exposed as massive attention-seekers, along with a thirst mark out of 10, so you can work out just how absolutely tragic you (we) are.

First, the thirst scale:
1. I could really do with a sip of water.
2. I’d probably lick a tomato for moisture.
3. That plastic cup from the vending machine looks like it might have a bit of water in the bottom of it.
4. Throat getting quite scratchy.
5. No, I’m just going to sit next to the watercooler if that’s OK.
6. It’s quite hot in here, isn’t it? Can we open a window?
7. If the air were any drier, it would be Joan Rivers’ diary.
8. I’d be able to sniff out a raindrop from 10 miles away.
9. Make it 100 miles.
10. All I can see, hear, smell and feel is sand and I would kill everyone I love for a dribble of stagnant water out of a verruca sock.

And now, the ‘actions':

1. Tweeting how ugly you feel

If you’re actually ugly: 3
If you’re mildly unattractive: 4
If you’re quite good looking really, in the right light: 6
If you’re what Grandma would call handsome: 7.5
If you’re incredibly hot: 9.5
Horse-frightener, but with accommodating mates you know will big you up: 10
Jake Gyllenhaal: 11

ugly
Here, please, sip this – it will save us all.

2. Tweeting for someone to bring you bacon

Once: 10
Any more than that: Such is your unquenchable thirst, numbers that high have yet to be invented.

3. Sending DMs to someone on Twitter…

… to thank them for following you: 3
… when you’ve only tweeted them publicly a couple of times: 5
… featuring pictures of your body: 8
… while your boyfriend is sleeping in the next room: 9

4. Kisses on text messages

One: 1
Two: 3
Three: 5
More than three: 9
None: 10, because you’re faking nonchalance and we all know you want it, you want it bad.

5. Posting shirtess selfies

No nipples on show: 5

Navel, hand covering nipples: 6.5
One nipple: 7
Both: 8
Navel, nipples on show: 8.5
‘Treasure trail’ visible: 9
Top of pecker on show: 10
Any caption accompanying the above that contains the word “shameless”: Add three more thirst points.

bacon
Any boy who asks over and over for bacon will never get sausage.

6. Retweeting someone you find relatively attractive

Once: 5
Any more than two a day: The equivalent of downing a 10-gallon bottle of water. Boy, you’re thirsty.

7. Tweeting celebrities

Someone ridiculously unattainable, like Joan Collins: 2
Someone off Coronation Street: 4
A reality TV star who poses topless with every breath they take: 6
A newspaper columnist: 7.5
Russell Tovey: 11

8. Instagramming a picture of a meal

Something healthy: 7
Something unhealthy: 8
Just drinks: 8.5
Adding a salacious caption to any of the above: Add 1.5 more thirst points

b6a

9. Holidaying

“This is our view from the balcony.”:  5
Smug feet on the sun lounger with the pool in the background: 7
Heavily filtered pic sipping what might be a margarita in an infinity pool: 8.5
Posing with a local homeless child: 9
Any use of a hashtag with the above: Add 1 thirst point.

10. Sending a text or dating app message after getting no reply to the last one


Once: 5
Twice: 9
Three times: Nobody in their right mind does this. Nobody. You’re dehydrated.

Screen Shot 2015-02-28 at 12.30.54
Ain’t nobody at home tonight, bae.

11. Replies

Replying to your own tweet to make a “chain”: 6
Replying to someone you fancy, even when the conversation is clearly over: 7
Replying to a tweet you posted a few hours ago to bump it up the timeline: 8.5
Serial favouriting: 9

12. Posting a link to a blog, per day

Once: 1
Twice: 3
Three times: 5
Four times: 7
Five times: 9
Six times: 10
Seven times: 1280px-Death_Valley,19820816,Desert,incoming_near_Shoshones

(I am nothing if not self-aware.)

What’s the thirstiest thing you’ve seen on Twitter? Tweet me and be damned.

Main mage: Atticpaper
Other images: djioulzz, knowyourmeme, Wikipedia Commons.

More like this:
11 men you really don’t want your boyfriend to follow on Instagram
The 25 stages of Twitter courtship
Say no to the evils of Twitter flirting

17 things single people do that make couples want to kill them

When you’re single, it is very easy to blame smug couples for all your ills. But, here’s a newsflash, you can be just as irritating.

And every once in a while, couples are dragged out of their loved-up reverie by their single friends who are, almost without exception, an absolute nightmare.

1. Arrive to every social engagement hungover.
Whether you’re making a beautiful lunch for all your friends, meeting for a few drinks for your birthday, or getting married, your single friend will arrive either drunk or woefully hungover. This is because they can.

They have no partner to tell them they’ll feel rough in the morning and nobody to give them the silent treatment if they ignore that advice. Before they’re even halfway through their starter, they will push their plate away and signal the waiter to bring them another martini and every couple around the table will dream of lacing it with arsenic.

2. Ask if you have any friends to hook them up with.
“Surely you must know some nice, single, hot men for me?”

3. Then get offended when you try to hook them up with somebody.
“God, I’m not that desperate. Don’t you think I can do a little better than that?!” Frankly, no.

4. Moan “I just want to meet someone” yet reject perfectly acceptable people for ridiculous reasons.
“I didn’t like his hair.”
“You should have seen the way he twisted the noodles round his fork.”
“She pronounces ‘bath’ like ‘hearth’ – it’d never last.”
Christ.

5. Flirt with your partner.

6. Fill your timeline with sexy selfies.

7. Tell you how lucky you are to be in a relationship.
You spent all morning arguing about whose turn it was to change the bedlinen, yet here comes a single person to patronisingly remind you how fortunate you are.

Validation at last from an undateable disaster who’s always roaring drunk! Brilliant!

8. Refuse to listen to any of your dating advice.
“Oh what would you know? You’ve been out of the game for waaaaay too long.”

9. Bang on about Tinder and other things you don’t understand.
Tinder, the dating app that has revolutionised romance and spawned a billion think pieces, is all single people go on about. It’s all “swipe left” this and ‘swipe right” that, like robots from the future who travelled back in time and invented dating.

10. Say things like “I’m so tired of wild nights out and meaningless sex”.
Oh, all this red mess everywhere? Why, it’s my heart. Bleeding all over the place.

11. Get instant adulation from your children simply by not being you.

12. Tell you their dating stories.
You hope and pray this will be the last one, so you don’t have to hear them pick apart somebody who to you, after nine years of staring at the same face day after day, sounds like a catch.

13. Whinge when you bring your other half out with you.

14. Introduce you to their flings.
You know it’s not going anywhere, and so do they. Yet time and time again you will have to play the game of pretending this is the one, politely asking them about their hometowns and their jobs.

And all along you know that their eyes, so bright and hopeful, will soon be dulled by your useless single pal, who will accuse them of being “clingy” and won’t text them back.

15. Refer to your previous sexual behaviour in front of your current partner.

16. Complain about being surrounded by couples.
“Oh it’s all going to be couples at Jake’s wedding; I’ll feel really uncomfortable.” Oh sorry! We’ll just split up so that you can not feel quite so self-conscious at our friends’ huge life events or social gatherings. No problem!

17. Assume all couples are jealous of their single status.
While there may be a wild ripple of envy every time they see yet another pic of their single friend on holiday drinking a shot of tequila out of a porn star’s navel, largely couples don’t desperately want to be them, or single.

Sure, for the last few nights they’ve been glued to EastEnders and feeding each other Revels, but they wouldn’t trade places for a second.

No, honestly.

More like this
17 things couples do that make single people want to kill them

Say no to couple envy

You’re in a half-empty pub. Perhaps you’re waiting for a date, but more likely you are idling away the hours alone with some much-needed human company before going back to the stark solitude of the dungeon walls which hold up the roof on your supposed bachelor pad.

Suddenly, you feel a tingle. Someone in your vicinity is being romantic, you can feel it. Maybe you’ve heard the gentle, sickening slurp of a kiss or caught a glimpse of interlocking fingers out of the corner of your eye.

Whatever it is, you look up and see them, or it, if you think of them as a singular unit. They certainly do. They are your enemy, your nemesis – the beast that mocks your single status just by being. Yes, at the next table, you can see, in their natural state of togetherness, a couple.

They’re looking at a menu, you notice. They’re both doing exaggerated gestures as they slide their fingers up and down its offerings, making half-hearted suggestions and scrunching up their faces in mock disgust at the dishes they don’t like. One half of the couple, possibly the smuggest of the pair, will utter the standard line that comes in every Berlitz ‘Teach Yourself To Speak Couple’ phrasebook: “No, I don’t mind if you get the same as me. Go on, you like it. Honestly. You have it. Maybe I can get something else”.

You stare at them only a minute longer and then look away, back to the empty chair opposite you. Nobody cares what you’re going to order today except the pub chef, poised to defrost those sacksful of frozen chicken burgers at a moment’s notice. You could order everything off the menu times 10 and sit eating it all like a Roman emperor but it doesn’t matter a jot. There’s no one to notice, to chastise, to care.

You can’t help but look back over at them once their food has arrived. One ordered pasta, while the other opted for pizza. Of course. Naturally, as any couple worth its salt knows, to really hammer home your status as a duo to the outside world, you have to split your dinner in two, and share one half with your significant other. You watch, thoroughly grossed out, as they gamely try to divide their sloppy heaps of carbohydrate without spilling it on the table. You know how the rest of this works.

Fast forward half an hour and they’ll be asking for a pudding “and two spoons, please”. Meanwhile, you tip-tappety-tap away on your phone, checking your messages or boiling your brain trying to come up with a snarky tweet. You can stand no more. You give them one last hateful glance – despite the fact they’re oblivious and don’t even know you’re alive – and leave, crushed and cursing their smug coupledom.

It’s hard not to romanticise relationships when you’re not in one, especially around Valentine’s Day. Every time you see someone clutching a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of champagne, striding eagerly home to their beloved, it’s not unusual to feel pangs, to long for what cannot be yours, at least not tonight.

When couples talk, they speak in a bizarre code, designed specially to bewilder those travelling solo. Nobody normal finishes each other’s sentences, but there is a whole couple’s dictionary rammed with pet names, in-jokes, shared experiences and ‘safe words’.

Even the way they describe each other is meant to exclude you. The references to their ‘other half’ as if you are somehow incomplete, disfigured or wretched for being 50% of nothing, or a ‘significant other’, which renders you alone, unimportant, with your string of drab one-night stands, failed dates and unpleasant, over-wet kisses on a garbage-strewn side street in Soho. But don’t take it to heart. Don’t fret too much over being an odd sock in a drawer full of paired-up cashmere.

It takes two to tango, yes, but when you have two people you have twice as much of everything. Twice as many moods, opinions, outbursts of anger, simpering uselessness, passive aggression, excessive control freakery. Two servings of happy, sure, but on occasion, a 100% increase in misery.

Half One stays out all night, Half Two goes ballistic and gets all great dictator on Half One’s arse.
Half Two forgets to text Half One to ask how his job interview went, Half Two gets a serving of sullen misery with his dinner that night.
Half One wonders if those jeans still fit Half Two like they used to, Half Two is soon throwing heavy furniture at Half One’s head.

If you’re half of a couple, there’s always going to be someone to throw stuff at you. Live alone, and you’re likely to remain free of flying hazards.

So go back to the pub – hurry! – and sit back down in your seat. Look again at the couple, sharing their plate of aorta-busting pub grub. They’re not smiling. Half One doesn’t want to share his pizza. If he had wanted pizza, he’d have ordered it. Half One wants to get his own dessert. And he didn’t want to come out for dinner, anyway. What’s wrong with staying at home once in a while?

And Half One didn’t even say thank you for the flowers Half Two brought home the other night, and Half One could only watch as Half Two drank most of that champagne all to himself, and he doesn’t like the way Half Two answers the phone to his mother in a really obviously bored voice, and it wouldn’t kill him to come straight home from work once in a while.

Yes, single one, you may go back to your lonely flat with only a half-eaten bag of Bombay mix and a noisy fridge for company, or you may make your way home to your shared house with piles of half-dry laundry on every spare worktop. True, the sound of the TV echoes loudly around your bare walls and your phone doesn’t quiver with text alerts quite as often as it used to. Sure, the dates you go on have as much future potential as a poinsettia on New Year’s Eve, but you’re not alone. Or rather, you are, in the best way possible. Don’t despair of that empty seat across from you – kiss it, give thanks for it. Imagine what could be sitting there instead.

So you raise your glass in silent celebration – and then the realisation hits you. You’ve nobody to clink glasses with. Oh. Fuck. Neck it anyway.

Image: Flickr

Valentine’s Day: Say no to romance at gunpoint

Thanks to the internet and snark becoming an acceptable way of life, moaning about Valentine’s Day and deriding everyone who gets involved in it is almost as big an institution as buying your beloved a bouquet on the day. And it’s highly monetised, with cash changing hands for a billion think pieces on the death of romance.

We mock those who simply must book a romantic meal for two on February 14th, because either their partner will give them the silent treatment from the 15th until the end of March, or, more usually, because everyone else expects you to be doing something for it. And if you’re not doing something, they want to know why not. Welcome to the dictatorship that is Valentine’s Day.

I’m not bitter, though. I don’t care about commercialisation, tacky helium-filled balloons or bright red valentines imploring you to roger me senseless. I’m unmoved by special Valentine menus and badly  mixed ‘romantic’ cocktails named after cocks and tits. Lovers inspired by Fifty Shades Of Grey and throttling themselves with chicken wire? Up to you. No problem. All good.

What bothers me about Valentine’s Day is that it’s not a day for lovers to show how much they love each other. It’s actually a chance to show off, to not-so-humbly brag about how happy and in love you are. Like a really cheap annual wedding. If nobody else were watching, you’d be on the sofa scratching your arse and arguing over the takeaway menu like any other normal day.

My least favourite parts:

People getting flowers at work
If you have ever sent flowers to someone at their workplace: fuck off. Go on, just eff right off and don’t come back. You’re shameless.

It’s awful, beyond cliché, but people can’t help themselves. I know people (mainly women, I’m afraid) who have actively encouraged their beau to send a stonking great bouquet to their office. I can only imagine the devastation caused by Valentine’s Day falling on a Saturday this year, denying many 9-to-5ers their moment in the sun.

These floral deliveries serve as a massive “fuck you” to anyone with less considerate (or less easily manipulated) spouses, plus it has the added bonus of making all the single people – who we will come to later – feel even more fantastically inadequate, dreading the endless crowing about it all afternoon long.

The bouquets get bigger and more ostentatious every year, as everyone tries to outdo each other. We are probably about seven years away from someone just having done with it and Kew Gardens airlifted and delivered to Tracy on Reception.

The romantic meal, shared by a zillion others
This never goes right. It is easier to get Perez Hilton admit he is wrong than secure a table for two on 14th Feb. Once you do get your hands on one, you arrive at the restaurant to discover – surprise surprise – the entire universe also crammed in there nose to nipple, half-heartedly pretending to enjoy dinner à deux.

Anyone not eating is queuing for tables, eyeing your dinner jealously, wondering when you’ll be finished so they can claim your space for their own. It is like eating dinner underneath a wasps’ nest, knowing they are going to come out and sting you – you just don’t know when.

Your waiter, by the way, will detest you. He looks down on you for all being in there at the same time, ordering the ‘special romantic deal for two’. He knows you never usually eat out and you’ll order the second-cheapest wine on the list – because that’s what they all do, he’ll sneer – and you’ll either be extremely rude generally or treat him like a subordinate to impress your date.

Why are all of you out at the same time? Why today? Why not a candlelit supper at home à la Hyacinth Bucket? But of course there would be no point: nobody would be able to see you. When asked by someone about your evening, dinner at home for just the two if you, sounds lame, like you’re not really trying. You can’t walk into work the next day, as the bouquet withers atop your monitor, and say “Oh, we just stayed in”, can you? They’ll think you have relationship problems, or are too poor, or have some weird psychological problem with a pre-assigned day for being romantic, and we can’t have that.

Forced romance
Sometimes, in a couple, you really need to have an argument. Fact of life. Either they have done something to really irritate you or, much more likely, you have been an arsehole. Everything seems worse on Valentine’s Day, however, because it is supposed to be perfect. It’s like the opposite of burying bad news – you just can’t. Everything magnified to epic proportions.

“Why?” you’ll scream at each other, right after your Valentine meal in a crowded Nando’s because you couldn’t get a table anywhere else. “Why did you have to spoil everything, today of ALL days?” Of all days. Quite.

Sex on a full stomach is not sex, it’s torture
I can have sex pretty any time you like. Name the day. I am Mr Sexy Sex of Sexville. But on St. Valentine’s 24-hour love-in, it doesn’t feel as much fun. It’s kind of an obligation.

Not to mention having to ‘do it’ with that stressful romantic meal wobbling about in your belly, suppressing prosecco-scented farts. And there’s always one who’s too tired, or not feeling into it, or, cruelly, desperately horny but too pissed and full to go through with it. But you will. You do. How romantic.

Single people are idiots on Valentine’s Day
Almost as bad as couples on the big day are single people. For about a month before, as the last empty bottle of fizz from New Year’s Eve is chucked into the recycling, single people will moan incessantly that they have nobody to share Valentine’s Day with. Memo: you’re alone every other fucking day of the year too. Ever wondered why?

They’ll take every cheap teddy bear, wilted bouquet or smutty card presented to their friends as a personal slight that they have nobody who’ll blow £50 in Clintons on them. They become desperate for a date and will allow themselves to be fixed up with all manner of unsuitable people, just so they’re not alone. A million awful, useless, will-this-do relationships begin on Valentine’s Day, purely because they might as well.

So maybe… pick another day?
Try your anniversary, the day they first stuck it in you, your birthdays or the day you first moved in together – maybe even the day you argued in Ikea and bought a big bed just to have make up sex in. And also, y’know, you might actually get a bloody table in the restaurant.

But maybe that defeats the purpose. After all, if you’re romantic on another day of the year, how are you going to outdo yourselves, and everyone else, on February 14th?

Start planning for 2016 now – you’re going to need a bigger bouquet.

33 lies you will tell yourself on a first date

1. If I arrive first it will make me look responsible and also like I care and that I’m… not flighty. It will not make me seem overly keen and boring, with nothing else to do tonight, or indeed ever.

2. Arriving late will make me seem mysterious and sexy, and he’ll be panting at my arrival, staring eagerly at the door. He’ll be so pleased I haven’t stood him up that he’ll be overjoyed to see me and we will fall immediately in love.

3. Oh well, it’s better than being stuck in the house.

4. This is not too soon after my breakup. I’m ready.

5. I’m glad I didn’t eat before I came out.

6. I hope he doesn’t stare at my arse when I go to the bar.

7. I’m not going to get drunk.

8. I’m not drunk.

9. He is so wrong if he thinks I am getting another drink.

10. It’s definitely his round.

11. He’s right – why shouldn’t you update Facebook while you’re on a date?

12. I’m glad he asked me about my politics – this should be fun.

13. He might actually think more of me if I say I don’t want to kiss him on the first date.

14. One kiss doesn’t mean anything. I might as well. Where’s the harm?

15. His twitching eye – which probably means he’s nervous, and not dreaming of how he’ll murder me later – is quite endearing.

16. It doesn’t matter that he has checked out three other guys since I arrived.

17. I actually find the way he leers at me quite charming. The dribbling is especially sexy.

18. He’s right – I would have been better off doing it on Groupon.

19. It’s totally OK that he has asked to see my iPod and is critiquing my music taste.

20. He’s obviously over his ex. That’s why he can talk about him so easily. And so often.

21. My parents might like him.

22. I’m sure he’ll ask me another question in a minute.

23. His style is… individual.

24. Letting him talk me through his CV and numerous university interviews – all of which happened over 10 years ago – makes me look like a good listener, and kind.

25. He doesn’t fancy me.

26. Ugh, how dare he fancy me when I am not even interested?

27. That thing that he does that he thinks is oh so sexy is oh so not sexy and is not working on me at all, no no not at all. Immune. Heart of ice. No.

28. No way am I going to sleep with this person.

29. Well, OK, I will do it, but only to be polite. It’s an act of charity, really.

30. I remember everything about last night and how I got into this bed with… whoever that is.

31. Can’t wait for the walk home.

32. That’s it. A one-off. I’m deleting his number right this second.

33. Yes, let’s do this again sometime. Definitely.

Got any more? Get in touch or tweet me.

Image: Flickr

The post-breakup bachelor pad survival kit

So you’ve broken up, you’ve packed and unpacked boxes and now find yourself standing in the middle of your one-bedroom flat – or studio if you’re very unlucky – single, alone, solo. And solely responsible for the Council tax bill.

You can survive this, of course. All you need to get through it are a few essentials that will make your time in your bachelor pad – or bachelorette pad, of course – bearable

1. White bed linen
Not only will white sheets make your no doubt pokey bedroom look lighter and larger, glistening brilliant-white sheets are a singleton staple.

They’re your studio for all those #hungover selfies or Grindr/Tinder profile shots you’ll be snapping when you’re feeling super-desperate, plus when you bring someone back to your flat for an awkward fumbling, white sheets reassure them that the bed has a good chance of being semi-clean, as they need to be changed pretty regularly.

Patterned duvets – especially ‘achingly lonely single man’-style geometric shapes on a dark background – simply scream “this man is a stranger to Persil”, as they can hide a multitude of sins. If you’re quite slovenly, just cover your questionable whites with a nice throw.

2. Ham
You’ll need some ham in the fridge and some Warburton’s in the cupboard for all the sandwiches you will be making yourself because you have forgotten how to cook for one.

Unless you are buying a tragic ready meal from M&S, supermarkets are quite wilfully biased against single people. Everything comes in bumper packs or portions that would certainly edge you into gluttony were you to tackle them all by yourself.

If you are a vegetarian, or don’t eat ham for religious or personal reasons, try wafer-thin ham.

3. High-speed internet
No half-arsed broadband wanted here, thank you very much. You’ll need NASA-grade, fibre-optic, whizz-bang internet that is so powerful the signal can be picked up in Sarah Palin’s bunker.

And why will you need it? No, not for porn, but for loading up all those dating sites and interminable profile pictures of Henry, 33, from Richmond, grinning at you as he props up a tiki bar in his red chinos.

Oh, and you’ll be sitting streaming quite a few boxsets in your first few weeks, as tears pour down your face and you try your best to chew your ham sandwich.

4. A nice rug
An extra option for you to have sex on, should the bed linen not be up to scratch. Make sure the TV is off while you do it – eyes will always wander to a flickering screen.

It’s like when Sky Sports is on in the pub – even if it’s on mute and you don’t like football, your eyes track to it eventually.

5. A thick skin
You will meet so many idiots, on so many dates. Arm yourself with the hide of 100 Aberdeen Anguses while you’re out; you can peel them all off one-by-one in your kitchen, with only your groaning pile of washing up as witness to your sobs.

6. A window
And it should have a view, if possible. Not a view of crackheads fighting over a carrier bag with I-wouldn’t-really-like-to-guess-what inside it, like my bachelor pad, but perhaps a street where you may see other humans from time to time.

7. A whistling kettle
The best thing I ever did was buy a whistling kettle. It sings only for me, and also reminds me to have a cup of tea every now and again. It is what my grandma would’ve called “company”.

When it starts talking to you, though, this could be a sign of a wider mental health issue, so maybe get yourself out for some fresh air until it’s calmed down.

8. A 10-pack of Marlboro menthol that you will never smoke but need to know they’re there, and that you have control
If you’re an ex-smoker, the first thing you will think about doing when newly single is going back to your old habits. After all, nobody cares about you any more, right? Wrong.

But buy the cigarettes anyway and never touch them, just to prove that you are in charge of your own destiny. You can also offer one to someone after sex as part of some brilliant mind game or compatibility test.

9. Earplugs
Your neighbours are having sex again. They do it all night, every night. I bet they don’t even change their sheets. Meanwhile, you are all by yourself in your very big bed and even the kettle has stopped whistling at you. Earplugs. Buy them in bulk and have a pair on you at all times.

10. A bottle of Patrón hidden under the kitchen sink
A true essential that will always be there for you when you need just one more drink after coming home from a disastrous date or, if you have a hook-up coming round to give your sheets the once-over, a slug of Dutch courage before you answer the buzzer.

11. The knowledge that being single is perfectly fine
Because it is. And you will be. And at least you don’t have to wait for the bathroom every morning and can sit on the sofa in your worst pyjamas spooning Nutella into your mouth as you scroll through Guardian Soulmates to see whether that bloke from Emmerdale is still on there. (He’s not.)

What have I missed? Send me a tweet with your bachelor pad essentials.

25 men you should never date in 2015

New Year, new you? Oh, come on, the only thing that’s changed is the calendar and the fact you’re one year closer to Botox.

The least you can do for yourself in 2015 is make sure you don’t date the wrong man. The wrong man is waiting on every corner. He is tweeting at you. He is smiling at you on the bus. He is writing these words.

You usually never know you’re with the wrong man until he starts doing something wrong, but if he meets one, or indeed all, of these criteria, it’s a pretty good sign.

You should never date a man who…

1. Has an ask.fm
“Ask me anything!” Why aren’t you more fascinating? Why are you obsessed with people asking you questions? Why am I even considering having sex with you?

2. Brags about not owning a TV.
It actually took God eight days to create the world. On day 8, he created people who go on and on and on and on about never watching TV – that’s how holy they are.

3. Thinks it’s “just desserts”.

4. Runs for trains.
It’s better to travel than to arrive, true. But it’s also better to miss a train than leap onto it, huffing and puffing with a face the colour of a Ferrari.

5. Says he doesn’t care what people think of him, because he’s either a liar or a cunt. Or both.

6. Only retweets you so he can get in your knickers.
Pls RT.

7. Doesn’t like at least THREE Sugababes songs.
And one of those must be Push The Button.

8. Says things like “It’s political correctness gone mad!”

9. Mentions the word ‘boxset’ within a month of your first meeting.
“Hey what have you been watching on Netflix?” is the instant anti-boner.

10. Mentions he’s “proficient in Microsoft Word” on his CV.
It’s like being really good at putting the kettle on.

11. Doesn’t poofread his tweets.

12. Puts a . in front of an @ reply.
Ooh you’re right – that smackdown tweet was far too good for just one person to see it!

13. Wears black trousers for anything other than a funeral or the Oil Barons’ Ball.

14. Can identify what his hobbies actually are.
“I like staying in and going out.”

15. Likes Facebook’s page on Facebook.
Over 168 million people have done this. Fuck zero of them.

16. Doesn’t sniff the milk first.

17. Says: “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt”.
It’s a horrible T-shirt. You look fat in it.

18. Tags Instagram photos with #badhair #hangover when he looks absolutely perfect.
Or indeed ever.

19. Says “I, for one…”
He is destined to remain forever as one.

20. Doesn’t like Celine Dion’s Think Twice.
NO NO NO NO!

21. Spends all his time talking about great nights out he’s had – especially if you weren’t there.

22. Only checks in on Facebook when he’s at an airport or Shoreditch House.

23. Moans about manual retweeting.
Because, Christ, imagine the sex.

24. Spits his chewing gum into the urinal.

25. Says ‘sat’ when he means ‘sitting’.
If you’ve anything about you, you’ll do time for him eventually.

Have I missed any? Let me know any other men you think we should never date. Any answers like “You” or “Anonymous dating bloggers” etc have been done to death and I am nothing if not self-aware, so I wouldn’t bother.

Image: Flickr

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