Not sure whether you look like a desperate, cloying nightmare on social media? Wondering if perhaps you may be going a little over the top when it comes to trying to impress someone on Twitter? We’ve all done it.
Fear not! Here’s the most common things we all do that leave us open to being exposed as massive attention-seekers, along with a thirst mark out of 10, so you can work out just how absolutely tragic you (we) are.
First, the thirst scale:
1. I could really do with a sip of water.
2. I’d probably lick a tomato for moisture.
3. That plastic cup from the vending machine looks like it might have a bit of water in the bottom of it.
4. Throat getting quite scratchy.
5. No, I’m just going to sit next to the watercooler if that’s OK.
6. It’s quite hot in here, isn’t it? Can we open a window?
7. If the air were any drier, it would be Joan Rivers’ diary.
8. I’d be able to sniff out a raindrop from 10 miles away.
9. Make it 100 miles.
10. All I can see, hear, smell and feel is sand and I would kill everyone I love for a dribble of stagnant water out of a verruca sock.
And now, the ‘actions':
1. Tweeting how ugly you feel
If you’re actually ugly: 3
If you’re mildly unattractive: 4
If you’re quite good looking really, in the right light: 6
If you’re what Grandma would call handsome: 7.5
If you’re incredibly hot: 9.5
Horse-frightener, but with accommodating mates you know will big you up: 10
Jake Gyllenhaal: 11
2. Tweeting for someone to bring you bacon
Any more than that: Such is your unquenchable thirst, numbers that high have yet to be invented.
3. Sending DMs to someone on Twitter…
… to thank them for following you: 3
… when you’ve only tweeted them publicly a couple of times: 5
… featuring pictures of your body: 8
… while your boyfriend is sleeping in the next room: 9
4. Kisses on text messages
More than three: 9
None: 10, because you’re faking nonchalance and we all know you want it, you want it bad.
5. Posting shirtess selfies
No nipples on show: 5
Navel, hand covering nipples: 6.5
One nipple: 7
Navel, nipples on show: 8.5
‘Treasure trail’ visible: 9
Top of pecker on show: 10
Any caption accompanying the above that contains the word “shameless”: Add three more thirst points.
6. Retweeting someone you find relatively attractive
Any more than two a day: The equivalent of downing a 10-gallon bottle of water. Boy, you’re thirsty.
7. Tweeting celebrities
Someone ridiculously unattainable, like Joan Collins: 2
Someone off Coronation Street: 4
A reality TV star who poses topless with every breath they take: 6
A newspaper columnist: 7.5
Russell Tovey: 11
8. Instagramming a picture of a meal
Something healthy: 7
Something unhealthy: 8
Just drinks: 8.5
Adding a salacious caption to any of the above: Add 1.5 more thirst points
“This is our view from the balcony.”: 5
Smug feet on the sun lounger with the pool in the background: 7
Heavily filtered pic sipping what might be a margarita in an infinity pool: 8.5
Posing with a local homeless child: 9
Any use of a hashtag with the above: Add 1 thirst point.
10. Sending a text or dating app message after getting no reply to the last one
Three times: Nobody in their right mind does this. Nobody. You’re dehydrated.
Replying to your own tweet to make a “chain”: 6
Replying to someone you fancy, even when the conversation is clearly over: 7
Replying to a tweet you posted a few hours ago to bump it up the timeline: 8.5
Serial favouriting: 9
12. Posting a link to a blog, per day
(I am nothing if not self-aware.)
What’s the thirstiest thing you’ve seen on Twitter? Tweet me and be damned.